midnight_happy's Xanga

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 02:08:11 GMT

so...this wrestling thing...

Fargo was just over...and now all these girls i know or have seen wrestle or have roomed with...are winning Fargo and going to Turkey (like Adeline, Vicky, CC, Beth) and winning and so on and so on. and don't get me wrong...i am SO happy for them! i know they've worked their butts off for it and deserve it every bit. but i'm also a little jealous. it just doesn't come naturally. or i haven't done it enough. or i don't look at it the right way-like really understand it. which i think is truly the biggest thing.

it just seems that i work and work at it but i'm still slogging away. i'm still JV, i still get tired, i still can't hardly ever just go and go in a match and let it come naturally. it has sometimes, when my mind's actually prepared and ready to go. man, i kick ass. and i feel good and i'm happy and i'm having fun. but the rest of the time, i try and try and proabably over-think everything...and it gets so frustrating. and my knee is always in the back of my mind, and just all this stuff, and all these excuses as to why i can't or why i fail. and i HATE that.

i was never anything in high school, and i'm going to shape up to be a nothing in college if i don't turn my shit around.

if anyone can kick my ass and put my head on straight, please... start the ass kicking right now.

i want to work out and do active stuff and have fun wrestling. but during the season it just seems to drag on and become a chore. i want to be around people who love wrestling and are good and in it for the right reasons. who do extra and are willing to help. and i need to be able to put 100% into like i did the first couple years of high school. i need to be truly confident in myself...not just on the surface.

i think that's the biggest part. but...how do i do that? becasue i honestly don't know and never have.

...maybe writing it down is the first step...

125.7 before breakfast! :)

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:18:00 GMT

Universities is in a week!

Joe's knee is MUCH better and he's starting to wrestle and stuff now. he's been working out and biking too. rawr. :) so now that we can do stuff and it's beautiful outside, we're going garage saling today! :D

LOL. not much else to report. school's over on May 2, and then Fila Jr Nats on the 16/17. so...yep!

Easter weekend update

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 15:04:16 GMT

so...it's Easter weekend...and i'm chillin at school with joe and probably tyler & macall

just wrestled in College Nationals last weekend which was a blast. ..except for the making scratch weight part lol. but i did make it...a pound under! YAY. i went 2-2 and wrestled tough in the matches i lost. lost out in the 7th/8th place round or one round out of what the were placing. but i feel pretty good about it.

it took me a little soul searching to realize i want to go to Universities in a couple weeks and am SO much happier that i decided to go. but...i'm fat again lol. back up to 128/129-ish. ah well.

IT'S SPRING!!!
warm weather, shorts, tank tops, t-shirts, swimming, horses, and FUN!

<3s to everyone! :D

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:46:27 GMT

i am very happy right now! i just got done with my athletic training interview and i feel really good about it. my joseph is at his Nana's right now with his dad and his surgery went fine lol. i have 5 more pounds to lose to make scratch weight next week...we've had good practices and yesterday's was pretty awesome/fun! i've been keeping up with all my classswork and athletic training hours and beeing responsible and stuff. trying to get joe to be that way too haha, and he's getting there :P.

but i'm just really happy right now!

the only thing that would make it better is if i could go home for spring break next week cause i miss my family...but that's ok, and school will be out in two months...!

i love you all!

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 15:43:45 GMT

things have changed a lot since that last blog. work turned out okay...i made a fool of myself with Jose that i will regret forever.... ...dan distrusts me and is walking the hate/love blade...

but i'm at college now, at Missouri Valley...and i love it. i found a great guy.... well, actually, he found me...and we've been going out for over 4 months. wrestling's been going well...i'm feeling better, but i need to get stronger and more comfortable with shooting. my head is slowly getting in the right place, but still needs work. i'm not as aggressive as i should be. i wrestled in an OCU dual on tuesday where i sprained my LCL and maybe tweaked my IT band on my left knee. haha. but they're alright...i wrestled in canada yesterday (sat) and that was fun as hell. i went 1-2, losing to a canadian girl who took second i believe, winning against Alaska lol, and then losing against Courtney who SHOULD have gotten third, but the ref made some terrible terrible calls. but anyway i basically could have stayed and had practice for all the wrestling our own girls i did lol but it was super fun. even the long drive up and back was fun because we were all laughing and having a good time and eating and...it was just great :). i love my ladies! Angelee, Karen, Courtney, Michelle, Zinna, Ashley, Clara, Vanessa, Norene, and Alaska, along with coach and his gf (to drive) came along. loads of fun :)

so anyways i have to get to hw cause i have a ton and like 3 tests this week (ick!!!) but it's all good.

<3s

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 03:04:58 GMT

so i feel like i have no friends. of course i do...but none that you stick with no matter what and tell everything to. i feel like if i tell people things they'll judge me. i feel like i'm putting my problems on them. and because i don't talk i push people away. even Daniel.

like...all of the girls i admire have great athletic ability are freakin gorgeous and have lives. how they do it all, idk. but they do. they're sure of themselves and have great friends. they do stuff all the time. me? wanna hear my life? when i'm not at school, doing something at home. no on is like hey rachel, wanna come party? wanna come hang out? go to the movies? i don't have anyone i can ask to do any of those things either. the closest is Daniel...but it's just not the same. My last best friend was Miranda...years ago...and look at us, we barely ever speak. i don't remember what it's like to be completely 100% comfortable around a girl. i love my wrestling ladies to death, and they are the closest i've got.

Michelle is in the Springs and doing stuff all the time. i lost track of Mindy. Adeline, MK, Aren, Brooke, all have good friends. Alyssa, Nikki, Robyn...everyone i can think of. even guys. as much as i don't really love Aaron and Charlie, they are always hanging out and having a good time...with anyone.

maybe i'm just gunna be a loner. i can't open up to people. prolly too competive or too masculine. or something. idk.

i just hate the way i feel right now. since daniel...maybe not even that, prolly like what coach did...i cry all the time. i feel like such a baby. i feel lost, like who am i supposed to be? before daniel i knew. daniel made my happy and makes me happy. but i don't entirely know who i am or what to do. especially right now. and i want to cry. i feel like my whole outlook on life has changed, from doing what i needed to do or wanted to do because i had a goal, to doing what felt good just cause it felt good and was fun. but that didn't get me to an endstate. and now i'm stuck in the middle not knowing what i want and not feeling strongly about anything. i try to isolate myself from outside sources and try and figure out direction again...but that doesn't work. because now i feel so effing lonely without outside sources. like i used to write about my problems and goals in this blog. that made me feel better. i've hardly used it recently. i don't have the motivation, i think different thigs are fun, and obviously i'm changing. but god dammit, it's like 'i'm going to change just a little bit, but that little bit doesn't fit in with the rest of your personality.' now i just feel lonely and left out...MUCH stronger than i ever have before. strong enough to just want to make me sit here and cry. why am i so lonely??? i just want to have purpose again.

and in writing all this, i feel like i'm just saying the exterior, like i can't write how i really feel, like i'm covering it up some more cause i can't open up, or i truly don't know. but it really hurts. i want a hug.

i haven't truly laughed in what seems like forever. the last good time i remember is graduation parties. the last time i worked out was when school was in session. the last time i wasn't fat was 5 months ago. i don't fucking know what's wrong. i'm not happy.

i don't know anything about college. like, i get this gut instinct saying maybe i should go to Pacific. it seems righter. nicer campus, not as trashy of a town as missouri. no effing big factories and peeling paint. but then the logical side of me and my dad is like...you only get one shot at college wrestling and missouri is the shot. i've always bitched about bad coaches, and i think the MoVal coach is much better than Pacific...but Pacific has so much better academics...it's rediculous. i don't know if i want to wrestle any more. and if i find out i'm shit in college at moval i'm screwed. i'd like to see if i still have the motivation and see where i stack up. but right now, from this stand point, it looks like shit. if i don't care, i won't do well. it's going to be a bitch getting back in shape. four years of training will be lost because i've had to sit out for at least 5 months. and i thought i'd be back to running and stuff by july. maybe i will. but righ tnow i can't even get in my 3 PT shit things a day and haven't been able to since school started. i don't fucking feel like riding a bike and doing leg press when i come home from the horse barn. i'm really starting to not fucking care. i've been incumbent so long i'm starting to be like what the fuck ever. but i feel so fat and out of shape. i don't want to work out right now, in fact the thought pisses me off. but i'm just all fat rolls and shit and hardly muscle, especially my stomach. i feel like such a slob...but only part of me...the other part is, again, like who gives a shit.

i don't fucking care. fuck this. time for me to go to bed without talking to anyone. and cry alone again. first about daniel and then about the horses and how scared i am that i will get hurt because of them because they're fucking amped on shit and not doing anything and idk. whatever i'm just so pissed right now and i don't effing know why. i was seriously thinking of quitting last night but then it's like rachel it's your second day, you haven't settled in yet, see where it goes you pussy. ask for a horse change. but things may work out. idk. fuck. i want to hit my head on the desk and get all this shit off my mind becasue i don't know what's on it but it's stressful.

and fuck, i do want to hang out with dustin and have fun and WHY THE HELL IS THAT SUCH A FUCKING PROBLEM? someone tell me!? i fucking love daniel, but i think it's changing. it's definitely more friend now and i definitely like want him to be hugging me right now and i don't care if he still holds my hand or whatever but i want some freedom. and he can't give that and maybe we're past that and he is now. he keeps asking if i'm hanging out with anyone and of course i'm not. i'm a fucking loser. i even tried to hang out with dustin today cause i had to stay fucking late at the racetrack because Rae wondered off and left shit to me, alone with nine horses. what the hell ever. and he was like yea, def. but then his brother got pissed and ran off and he had to stay and watch his little brother while his parents went out and looked for the brother. can't tommorrow, he can't friday, i can't saturday, prolly not sunday, i'm housesitting until fucking tuesday from friday and how the hell will that work with my job if i can't sleep overnight, i'll be exhausted.

i feel like i was just dropped/forced into the job. like i kept trying to tlak for a week and every time i got ahold of amy she was like call back and when i did, she never answered. then monday fucking eddie called at 9:00 and was like can you go down to the racetrack? and i was like sure and i figured it was more of a seeing what they did, learning, etc. but it was so effing disorganized, the tack room, the feed room, no management, i feel wrong care, like idk. and all that really got me last night. but they threw me into work on monday and i still don't know what i'm doing with these horses legs and Rae is getting like bitchy now like she runs the show but she won't teach me how to do things. like she was good monday. yesterday she was hung over. she was still hung over today. and it's like WTF. Juan is really cool. Grace is pretty cool too and she should be taking the babies and fucking pshycho crazy lets pull and kick and rear and buck and run around like a skitzo bitch because i feel like it Patriot. jeesus i was truly scared yesterday when she was kicking and that shit because she doesn't get the concept of personal space and she was kicking AT me not just cause she was fritzy. i'm feeding her much less. their feed needs to change anyway. the horses have ringworm so we stripped the stalls today but htere was no bedding and other shit and it's so apparent to me now that this has been poorly run since eddie couldn't go back there cause of a licence thing or something and it's like Rae knows and she has the experience but i don't feel like she takes the best care of them like she knows what's wrong, but doesn't necessarily do everything cause it's not easy. idk. idk. now we have a new barn manager though and i really liked him when i met him today i hope to god he cracks the fucking whip and changes things up for the better and keeps in constant contact with eddie till he can get out again. and i think he will. i hope so. and we have a pretty good group of grooms, even if we are new...if Rae doesn't throw a fit cause she's not in control. but whatever.

and now i feel better cause dustin just texted me. like MUCh better. i think i just want to be wanted. how i am. even though dustin is a fucking player i just want to have fun. if he spreads rumors i'll kick his ass. but i'll come to that when it comes. if it comes. but whatever. i'm out. i should go to bed cause i've gotten to bed late both nights and i get up at 4:45 to feed. still will have to tomorrow even though i only have to be there at 6:30 but i have to get my crap to shower before i go to PT before i go to Nelli's about house sitting.

blah.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 03:41:18 GMT

my knee's really been hurting, just like the last two days. and the top of it, above and below the patella is sore...which is like wtf because my surgery was lateral..... and where i'm guessing the repair was kind of hurts too, like it sort of twinges when i bend it...so i'm scared. i really hope i didn't mess it up. i haven't been able to straighten it comfortably since i fell on it...or maybe that's just me because i kept it propped up as much as possible before so i don't even know if i could stand it completely straightened before.... but being unable to straighten it was a sign that something was messed up. i hope it's just from the swelling and stiffness and even scar tissue......ugh!

i'm also successfully getting fat...or at least i think so...and i feel disgusting. i could be much worse...i mean even Aaron told me i looked good even though i haven't been able to do much... i guess it's not so much "fat" but i'm losing muscle and my tummy is getting pudgy :(. i haven't worked out in three weeks!!! how the hell am i supposed to lift weights--even upper body--limping around a weight room on crutches? it's stupid. someone would ALWAYS have to be helping me. the one day we did work out last week, i only got two lifts in in like 45 minutes. that's rediculuous!

but yeah...i'm done harping lol.

spring break was fun...didn't get much homework done but...oh well i guess. calc sucks big time. being out a full week after surgery killed me. Dad got promoted to general on thursday!!! that was really exciting and Rich, his best friend from high school came out and that was cool.

friday night and saturday was the Bennett FS & GR tourney and Adeline came up with her friend Carlton, who is just as cool as Addeline [haha!] and they both spent the night. Carlton did pretty well wrestling, even though we stayed up wayyy late and put clay mask on and talked about a bunch of stuff and had lots of fun :). lol they are both really fun to be around, and we hung out with Joey Waples a lot at the tourney too, and he's cool. um...that's it. Adeline and i were supposed to help work tables or something, but everything was covered...so we just sort of sat around and watched matches and stuff. 'twas cool though.

...def used cool a lot in that paragraph....

then Dan got back from PA yesterday and i stayed at his house last night and we hung out today. and then he came back here for dinner for Dad's b-day. he's an April Fool :). haha! just got back from taking Dan home...

USGWA Nationals was this weekend. three of the ladies placed... Adeline was really upset and i have mixed emotions with coach and all. but if things were ok i think i would be really upset too. i mean, seriously...Adeline, MK, and i couldn't go due to injuries.....we're arguably the best women wrestlers in the state. a girl who moved from Ohio is awesome too, and so is Angel. but only Angel went! bah! and as far as i heard, CO took 12 girls this year (and not even us! last year was only me, adeline, angel, arenet, and two younger girls)!! >.<

but yeah.........................that's about it...... tired of typing rofl.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 17:46:32 GMT

got my surgery on monday, and my brace yesterday. i'm on crutches for two months and then PT after that.

...i don't know if i'll be ready for Fargo.

and I miss Dan.

I think I'm going to cry.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 04:48:54 GMT

today was Regionals. i've been out for the last three weeks because of my knee...and it really hit home today.

Cordova had me wrestling back and taking fourth. The Eaton coach had the same thing, and talked to Cordova about it. they both had that wrestle back as me vs. the Eaton kid, and their coach was like it's going to be exciting! the Highland coach said he was expecting me to place, and Erie's been cool since i busted my knee in the match against his wrestler. then a younger kid (6th grade) from Yuma comes up and starts talking to me saying that i'm really good and all of this stuff and that his older brother is on the Yuma team so he knows all this. apparently, my sophomore year, they forefeited their kid in a dual so he wouldn't be embarassed losing to me. then he was saying that they were expecting me to do well at this tournament. ...and later, his older brother tells me that he thought it was cool i wrestled and that i was pretty good and that they liked watching me and whatever. i was joking around and was like "probably to be like haha she's losing lol", and he was like no, i'm serious, the kid that wrestled you said that you were one of the strongest people he'd wrestled. you could get out of anything. i was speechless...i was like wow....

and all that really brought home just what i could have done and just what i can do when i'm motivated; when i want it. it hurt so bad on the way home, knowing that this was my senior year...the best chance of me ever going to state--physically for me, and bracketeering--and i had to sit out.

but i guess this is a lesson learned. do everything you can, when you can. don't go easy. i never dreamed i would have an injury that would take me out of wrestling; i would always have another chance; i would always have more time. well...my high school season is over. all my chances and time are gone for boys collegient. and they may be gone for girls too. everything hinges on my knee.

that leaves freestyle...my *cough* oh so favorite style. i really haven't liked it at all. but i'm going to have to get used to it because that's all i have left. and i'm wrestling in college. freakin' damn.

Adeline's in a similar boat now. she went into Regionals as the number two seed in her bracket....and she broke her thumb in a match there and had to be taken out of the tournament. i can't even imagine what that would be like.....she said she was crying....i know i sure as hell would be. that's insane. she's tough though, and she'll be back kicking ass before long and giving the doctors heart attacks because she's on the mat sooner than exped lol.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 19:33:49 GMT

so much has happened since my last post. maybe if i get motivated before i forget all of it, i'll write it down. Dan and i have had an AMAZING time...from our Homecomings to wrestling tournaments to hanging out to holiday parties...and i'm getting attached. very attached. and i'm not sure how to handle it.

see, the first thing i would usually talk about is wrestling...but i don't for some reason. i love that sport more than anything else in the world...but Dan's there. and idk what that says. and i've been doing really well this season too, especially compared to other seasons . my record is 4-7--scoff all you want, but i scored more points my first tournament (24 if you please) than i have my freshman, sophomore, and part of my junior year combined. i've pinned a kid and only had one forefiet. i've found that every time i've stepped on the mat this year i have been competetive...and Dr. Jowdy is helping me so much with my mental game.
i don't get made fun of or mocked anymore...when i'm out there, both wrestlers and coaches are like...hey...maybe she's for real......and i think that is a tremendous accomplishment. all i have to do now is stay focused and not let myself get sick of it. i really honestly think i have what it takes to place at Regionals, if not go to State...but i have to step it up.

college is another huge thing...i've got to do a ton of scholarships this break, but i don't even have all my applications in. to Pacific mostly...and that's the school that looks the best for me. it has women's wrestling and a sports therapy degree. all my life i've had a 4.0...to get into a low-end college. congradulations Rachel. you're moving up in the world! i was looking at Ithica [and Ivy League...]...and i think i would really like it there...but why apply? i'm going for wrestling colleges at the moment, and all i would do is uselessly spend application money. i don't know. i can't let my grades fall either.

it's snowing out, i'm with my family, it's the holidays. i'll probably get to see my best friend Michelle and go snowboarding. i should be happy; this should be happy. but this post feels bitter...i think because i'm bitter right now. lately, nothing's been working out with the person that i care about the most. and i really hope things get better soon...because my emotions have been a mess.
wrestling was the only thing that could do this to me.
not anymore.