so...this wrestling thing...

Fargo was just over...and now all these girls i know or have seen wrestle or have roomed with...are winning Fargo and going to Turkey (like Adeline, Vicky, CC, Beth) and winning and so on and so on.  and don't get me wrong...i am SO happy for them!  i know they've worked their butts off for it and deserve it every bit.  but i'm also a little jealous.  it just doesn't come naturally.  or i haven't done it enough.  or i don't look at it the right way-like really understand it.  which i think is truly the biggest thing.

it just seems that i work and work at it but i'm still slogging away.  i'm still JV, i still get tired, i still can't hardly ever just go and go in a match and let it come naturally.  it has sometimes, when my mind's actually prepared and ready to go.  man, i kick ass.  and i feel good and i'm happy and i'm having fun.  but the rest of the time, i try and try and proabably over-think everything...and it gets so frustrating.  and my knee is always in the back of my mind, and just all this stuff, and all these excuses as to why i can't or why i fail.  and i HATE that.

i was never anything in high school, and i'm going to shape up to be a nothing in college if i don't turn my shit around.

if anyone can kick my ass and put my head on straight, please...  start the ass kicking right now.

i want to work out and do active stuff and have fun wrestling.  but during the season it just seems to drag on and become a chore.  i want to be around people who love wrestling and are good and in it for the right reasons.  who do extra and are willing to help.  and i need to be able to put 100% into like i did the first couple years of high school.  i need to be truly confident in myself...not just on the surface.

i think that's the biggest part.  but...how do i do that?  becasue i honestly don't know and never have.

...maybe writing it down is the first step...